Poetry: The guilt that haunts me

An exigency of raging emotions.

I’m haunted. Not by man, no. It’s nothing human.

Hearts beating. Lips pursing. Legs shaking. Feet dancing. Hands trembling. Breath panicking. Chest heaving. Eyes darting.

The search for a place to hide.
A shelter. Some haven. A place of rest. Somewhere. Anywhere.

Not resting, still on the run, never waiting, no. Guilt in pursuit, not relenting.

No matter how fast I run, how swift I move, how far I go, it keeps
catching up with me.

Yesterday was a mistake. History has recorded an error. A dead day.
Darkness. That was my world now. Literally and physically.
I knew it wasn’t a dream. It was real. All of it. Everything. And it was a total disaster.

The death of someone you love is the second worst thing on earth.
What’s worse? The evil. The hatred. The guilt that consumes you. The rage that burns inside you. The regret. The pain of not being being able to help. The burden of not having power over life and death.

Worst thing is letting it hurt you so much that you die too.
Inside. Outside. Everywhere.
Twists you up inside, condemns everything you knew.

This is how I feel.

She was my definition of happiness. In her was the first ray of sun
I see – her smile.
Hers was more radiant than the golden rays of the sun that break the eastern sky at dawn.
She was my comfort. My home. My truth.

She’s dead. Gone.
I’m haunted. Not by evil spirits, not by ghouls, not assasins, no.
But it’s worse. What haunts me would never let me go.
The universe has refused to exonerate me.
I’m burdened with grief. Weighed by pain and haunted by guilt.

Don’t look for me. I’m lost.
Not on land, no.
I’m lost in my head.
I’m stuck at sea. Tied with so much pain that I can not cry for help.
Birthed by her death, the haunt was born.

She’s gone.
Feels as though the lights went out. I’m hit. It’s hard. I’m down. It’s fatal.
I vanished into the gloom of dusk.
Don’t look for me.
I’m lost.
I’ll never stop running.
I couldn’t save her.
I’m haunted by guilt.


 

IFERE WOFAI OMINI

Creative Writer at Core Magazine.